Are You Too Old For This Fucking Bullshit?

In my earlier post, I mentioned that my greatest fear when I was young was that I would become a “middle aged broke loser.” Underneath everything I did in those days was this existential darkness… what if after all this sacrifice and heartbreaking work… it doesn’t happen (“happen”)

And little by little, it all came true. I became the man I feared I would become.

All the things I was striving for in my 20s didn’t happen. I spent most of my 30s broke and frustrated. I was a prophet of my own failure.

Unexpectedly, another thing was happening as well. My perspective was shifting. My values were shifting. My awareness of what actually matters in this ridiculous and tiny little life was shifting.

Yup. My greatest fear came true. Also, I didn’t realize then that it doesn’t matter. Today, I’m not living by my 20 year old self’s standards (Thank you Jesus)

Let me be really clear, although I joke a lot about “being old” I’m really enjoying moving through life. I’m a much better 40-something than I was a 20-something. I’ve acquired a lot of wisdom and perspective and my artistic abilities are aging into something really special (if I do say so myself)

Me smoking in a bathtub filled with ennui around 2003. Fucking stupid.

25 year old Kevin was fucking delusional and lame. Today Kevin is where it’s at.

Around 2007, after nearly a decade of total insane sacrifice, my band started to crumble and along with it the dreams of my youth. The following 5 years I was lost. But like, lost in a good way. Lots of experimenting and finding myself. I would say it’s only in this recent era of my life where I feel like a whole person. Like someone who has been drained of the delusion and filled with the desire to express the human existence through art.

Ok that was pretentious. But that’s how I feel.

I know the entertainment world is youth obsessed. I’m not even trying to compete with that. I’m not even on the same plane of existence with that. I’m just going to do my thing in the best and truest way I can, and let what happens happen (“happen”)

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4 Thoughts to “Are You Too Old For This Fucking Bullshit?”

    1. admin

      that was very thoughtful thank you James

  1. I’m a few years behind you, but you’re basically telling my story. Thanks for sharing, I’m looking forward to reading on.

    1. admin

      thanks Joe! I’m a fan of yours. have you seen my queer country blog http://www.strangefiremagazine.com ?

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